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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25619242">why do you cry with your hair tied up?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human'>i_was_human</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>what do you desire? [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Lost in Translation (Webcomic)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Gen, Kang Dongho | D.Min is Trying His Best, Kang Dongho | D.Min-centric, Sad, dongho's just sad, the ceo is once again the absolute worst</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:47:22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,033</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25619242</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_was_human/pseuds/i_was_human</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>There's only so far you can push someone until they snap, and Dongho isn't quite sure what that'll look like.</p><p>A companion piece to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25372534">pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere</a>.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Kang Dongho | D.Min, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Kang Dongho | D.Min &amp; Kim Daehyun, Ahn Jaewon | Wyld &amp; Kim Daehyun, Kang Dongho | D.Min &amp; Kim Daehyun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>what do you desire? [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1888651</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>48</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>why do you cry with your hair tied up?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time Jaewon cries, it's nighttime.</p><p>Dongho and Daehyun wait on the couch for his return, the television on in the background but neither one watching. Dongho's computer sits open to the article - <strong><em>Mayhem's First Sex Scandal - Member Wyld Seen At Nightclub</em></strong> - and neither one has the heart to close it.</p><p>This is a misunderstanding. They all <em>know </em>it's a misunderstanding. Jaewon <em>told them </em>it was a misunderstanding. Now they just have to convince the rest of the world.</p><p>The door swings open, and Dongho leaps to his feet, trying to appear calming. Jaewon's face is hidden under the rim of his cap, so Dongho can't tell if he's smiling or not, but based on the fact that it's pulled so low, the meeting didn't go well.</p><p>"Hyung...?" Daehyun ventures, and Jaewon raises his head, revealing crystalline tears streaming freely down his cheeks. </p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh, no.</p><p>Dongho fucking <em>sprints </em>across the room, wrapping an arm around Jaewon's shoulders and guiding him to the couch. As soon as they make it to the cushions, Jaewon chokes on a sob, launching forwards to bury his face in Dongho's chest.</p><p>And this-</p><p>Dongho <em>hates this</em>.</p><p>He <em>hates </em>seeing Jaewon cry, <em>hates</em> not knowing why, <em>hates hates hates </em>that even if he <em>did </em>know why, there would most likely be very little he could do about it.</p><p>"What happened?" Daehyun asks, and Jaewon raises his head, bloodshot eyes meeting Daehyun's.</p><p>"He said-"</p><p>He pitches forwards once more, wrapping his arms around Dongho's waist, and his next words come out as little more than a whisper.</p><p>"He said it would be good publicity."</p><p>For a moment, Dongho sees red.</p><p><em>Good publicity? Good fucking publicity? </em>They want to destroy Jaewon's reputation, and for <em>what</em>? A few fucking <em>articles</em>?</p><p>"He wants me to go out tomorrow night," Jaewon whispers, and Dongho reaches up to grip the rapper's crimson hair, pressing his nose to the messy locks. </p><p>"It'll be okay," he murmurs, and <em>god</em>, when did he get so good at lying? When was it that trading in lies became easier than facing the truth?</p><p>Jaewon, tellingly, doesn't reply.</p>
<hr/><p>At least at the start, his reputation is warranted.</p><p>At least at the start, the blood on his hands is for something good.</p><p>Jaewon stumbles out the door after him, eyes wide and shocked and <em>horribly afraid</em> as the blood on Dongho's hands smears over his wrist, and Dongho's sure he must be gripping too tight, sure there must be people shouting after them, but all he can think of is the <em>horror </em>on Jaewon's face as that bitch grabbed his hair and yanked him into a bruising kiss, and-</p><p>he doesn't regret it.</p><p>Dongho generally doesn't punch girls, but he'll make an exception for Jaewon. </p><p>Speaking of-</p><p>Jaewon's stumbling after him, shoulders hiked to his ears and lipstick smeared over his lips. His sharp features are thrown into sharp relief by the streetlights, and for one terrifying moment, Dongho can only see Wyld.</p><p>(wyld and jaewon are different people. he knows that. he knows that in the same way he knows he isn't d.min.)</p><p>"Hyung?"</p><p>But it <em>is </em>Jaewon staring at him under all the lipstick and eyeshadow, and Jaewon <em>needs him right now</em>.</p><p>Dongho opens his arms, and Jaewon tackles him in a hug, silent tears smearing his makeup. </p><p>When Jaewon cries, he cries quietly. This is something Dongho has had to learn.</p><p>He reaches up to run his fingers through the younger's hair, only to pause upon feeling them stick together.</p><p>Ah. Right.</p><p>"Nobody's going to touch you," Dongho murmurs, hand coming to rest in the small of his dongsaeng's back. "Not as long as I'm around."</p><p>He doesn't need to say he's lying. Somehow, Jaewon already knows.</p>
<hr/><p>Somewhere along the line, things change.</p><p>Dongho's care becomes something to be expressed only behind closed doors, much like Jaewon's smiles and Daehyun's laughter. </p><p>(in a way, it's their reputations - wyld and d.min driving jaewon and dongho apart.</p><p>ironic, isn't it?)</p><p>As the CEOs and managers push Jaewon further into his facade as Wyld, they push Dongho further into D.Min in turn - and the days where Jaewon shows up with a bruised face from tripping on something or getting hit by someone only makes Dongho look worse. </p><p>He would <em>never </em>touch Jaewon. <em>Never</em>.</p><p>Unfortunately, the media doesn't agree.</p><p>Daehyun finds himself caught in the middle - the unfortunate observer to their self-destruction - and the day some insipid journalist publishes an article about how Daehyun, <em>supposedly</em>, slept his way into the group, Dongho heads for the gym and punches something until his knuckles bleed. </p><p>It feels like everything's falling apart around him, and all he can do is watch. </p><p>Jaewon takes to staying later and later in the practice room, and more than once, Dongho has to wake him up at six or seven in the morning to try and coax some breakfast into him. Daehyun, on the other hand, walks the city late at night, hood flipped over his hair and gaze haunted, and Dongho occasionally stays up until three or four to make sure he makes it home.</p><p>It's the days they overlap that makes things hard for him.</p><p>Dongho blinks dark spots out of his vision, trying to focus back in on the meeting. He's scribbling notes on his pad - not color-coded, he'll do that later - to review once he's more lucid, but he isn't processing a single thing in the moment.</p><p>Daehyun stayed out until four in the morning last night, and Dongho barely managed to snatch an hour of sleep before practice at six - which required waking Jaewon up at five-thirty so he could eat a granola bar and drink some water. </p><p>His head pounds, and his mouth tastes like <em>death</em>, and oh fuck he just missed an important part of the schedule-</p><p>"Are you paying attention?" one of the managers asks, and Dongho nods - a bit frantic, a bit desperate. "...good. Now, as for ISAC..."</p><p><em>ISAC</em>.</p><p>Dongho genuinely cannot fathom how they got invited to ISAC - mostly due to their poor reputation. Their group's public face is <em>horrible</em>, and Dongho privately thinks most of the issue is that it's Wyld and D.Min instead of Jaewon and Dongho that answer questions and interact with fans. Jaewon's such a <em>kind person</em> - kind enough to win over <em>anyone</em> - and pushing him into this ill-fitting box does nothing but hurt him. </p><p>(it hurts dongho and daehyun, too - watching this happen.)</p><p>Dongho doesn't have high expectations for ISAC, really. Not with who they have to be.</p><p>(a part of him does hope that - if nothing else - daehyun gets to meet sa1nt. that would make it worth it.)</p>
<hr/><p>The night before ISAC, Dongho cries.</p><p>It's that horrible combination of things - an overwhelming schedule, a lack of sleep, non-stop <em>work work work </em>that demands all his attention all the time - and he is <em>so tired</em>.</p><p>And yet-</p><p>he's looking forwards to ISAC.</p><p>A day of fun (passable fun) and relaxation is exactly what he needs. Not to mention the fact that there will be other people there - other people to ask so he can figure out <em>what the fuck he's doing</em>.</p><p>(really, he has no idea.)</p><p>He's packing up his stuff to head out of the meeting when one of the managers grabs his wrist, and he raises his head, one eyebrow ticking up in a silent question.</p><p>"The team was talking," the man states, and then, in a rush - "and we decided it would be better if you didn't attend ISAC."</p><p>Dongho-</p><p>doesn't understand.</p><p>"What?"</p><p>"Wyld and Daehyun will be going," the man explains, "but a number of people didn't want to... risk it."</p><p><em>Risk it</em>.</p><p>("make your reputation any worse," he hears.)</p><p>"Oh," he replies, any semblance of excitement draining away to reveal empty numbness. "I see."</p><p>"Here's your schedule for tomorrow..."</p><p>The manager says something else, but all Dongho hears is white noise.</p><p>(at least daehyun and jaewon can enjoy isac, right? they'll have fun. it'll be great.)</p><p>He's not sure <em>how </em>he makes it back to the dorm, only that he <em>does</em>. Jaewon and Daehyun are both asleep - curled around each other to the point where it's almost impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins - so Dongho doesn't feel too terrible about immediately heading for the shower. </p><p>The water's cold when he turns it on, and it doesn't warm - one of the cons of sharing a dorm - but he heads under the spray anyways in hopes of feeling at least a <em>little </em>better.</p><p>It's only after a few minutes that he realizes he's crying. </p><p>He stares at his reflection - straw-like hair, bloodshot eyes, tears dripping off his chin - and turns away, eyes sliding shut.</p><p>God, he's so tired.</p><p>(he misses the days where their biggest problems were whether or not they'd debut. those days- he misses them <em>fiercely</em>.</p><p>even if there was uncertainty, at least jaewon smiled.)</p>
<hr/><p>The fact that Jaewon and Daehyun are out having fun seems to require that Dongho must be miserable.</p><p>Work starts <em>ungodly </em>early, and Dongho barely has time to chug an espresso before he meets with their choreographer, who wants to rearrange three of their stages in as many days. After that, he has rap practice, then vocal practice (which belongs in its own circle of hell, since dongho's virtually tone-deaf and their vocal teacher is the scariest person he's ever met) then <em>more </em>meetings, and, <em>finally</em>, time to dance. </p><p>He checks his phone as he drops his bag against the mirrors, lips curling into a smile upon seeing the messages.</p><p>
  <em>MAYHEM Daehyun: </em>
</p><p>
  <em>oh my god oh my god</em>
</p><p>
  <em>so i just helped youngjoon </em>
</p><p>
  <em>sa1nt's youngjoon</em>
</p><p>
  <em>bc he spilled water on his name thingie so i gave him mine and</em>
</p><p>
  <em>leE MINSOO IS TALKING TO ME?????</em>
</p><p>
  <em>MINSOO</em>
</p><p>
  <em>IS TALKING TO ME</em>
</p><p>
  <em>MAYHEM Jaewon:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Where are you?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>MAYHEM Daehyun:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>in heaven</em>
</p><p>
  <em>leave me for dead hyung(s)</em>
</p><p>
  <em>MAYHEM Jaewon: </em>
</p><p>
  <em>What is he saying?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>MAYHEM Daehyun:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>i may have just</em>
</p><p>
  <em>babbled</em>
</p><p>
  <em>about how much of a fan i am</em>
</p><p>
  <em>he's laughing</em>
</p><p>
  <em>oh god</em>
</p><p>
  <em>let me die</em>
</p><p>
  <em>please</em>
</p><p>
  <em>it would be a mercy</em>
</p><p>Dongho smiles once more, tucking his phone into his pocket as he faces the mirrors.</p><p>He's glad they're having fun at ISAC - even if it doesn't include him. </p><p>(perhaps it's better it doesn't include him. he sees the way people look at him, sees the way they stare at his hands, at his back, at <em>every part of him</em>. </p><p>as though he's a walking threat.</p><p>as though - as though he's a pencil <em>bending bending bending</em> until it snaps, spraying splinters over the room.</p><p>as though he's <em>dangerous</em>.</p><p>and, well-</p><p>that's the entertainment industry, isn't it?</p><p>contorting your sense of self to fit into this <em>minuscule box</em> they've given you, twisting and turning and cutting off anything that doesn't fit the role you've been assigned - acting, almost.</p><p>only, in acting-</p><p>it just aches, a little bit.</p><p>it's a hard squeeze, sometimes, and you leave parts of yourself behind, but you can always pick them back up once the curtain drops.</p><p>dongho-</p><p>dongho's cut off so much of himself to fit into the role the world's given him, and he doesn't know where it's gone.)</p><p>He clamps his headphones over his ears and loses himself in the music, gaze pinned on his reflection in the floor-length mirrors.</p><p>(tripping, stumbling, <em>incompetent incompetent incompetent you can do better</em>-)</p><p>God, he's tired.</p><p>His exhaustion chomps at his heels, dark thoughts lucidity normally keeps at bay rising up in force.</p><p>(<em>you can't do anything. you're going to find jaewon or daehyun dead in a ditch someday and it'll be your fault.</em>)</p><p>Spin, spin, step-</p><p>(<em>y̶o̷u̵ ̴c̸a̶n̵'̵t̵ ̵d̶o̴ ̵t̶h̷i̴s̸.̶ ̸y̶o̶u̸'̴r̵e̷ ̸a̴ ̸t̷e̵r̸r̶i̵b̵l̶e̸ ̸h̸y̸u̴n̴g̸.</em>)</p><p>Step-</p><p>(<em>ÿ̶̮ơ̵͖u̵̪̎'̴̤̕r̷̈́͜e̸̩͝ ̵͓̎n̷͈͆e̷͓v̸̛̞e̷̝̅r̵͈̂ ̷̣̄ǧ̵̪o̶̗͐i̸̲͝n̵͍̑ģ̴͛ ̵̝̋t̸̡ô̷͇ ̶̘̆b̶͕̚ẽ̶͜ ̴̡͌g̴͙̍o̷̧̊o̴̬̔d̶̥̐ ̵͖͂e̴̬͛ń̶̙o̵̪͘u̶̲g̷̰̃h̵̟̃.</em>)</p><p>He skids to a stop, gaze falling to his feet as dark spots fill his vision.</p><p>He needs to sleep more if the comment section is getting to him, huh?</p><p>(deep down, he knows it's more than that. </p><p>perhaps the pencil analogy was right, after all.</p><p>he's bending and bending, and at some point, he's going to snap.</p><p>the only thing is-</p><p>he doesn't know what that's going to look like.)</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this was really fun to write, actually! idk if i like where it ended but it's a nice bridge for this au</p><p>glitch text do be funky tho O3O</p><p>i think i'm going to write some more fics in this au, but i'm not sure if i should organize them into a series or not. what do you guys think?</p><p>chapter title from this au's theme, desire by jeremy zucker. i cannot recommend this song enough.</p><p><a href="https://twitter.com/i_was_human_">twit</a> | <a href="https://discord.gg/CNunB74">lit fic discord!</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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